the reality of a broken heart

what does a broken heart look like?

i spent the first 18 or so years of my life thinking that heartbreak was the girl sitting in the dark in the same pajamas for days on end, eating ice cream from the carton and crying over romance movies. i always envisioned it as torturous, but relatively short-lived. debilitating for a short constant period of time, but then fading away. the versions of heartbreak i'd seen usually had a few things in common. for one, they were always the sad girl pining after he ex-boyfriend (which is a whole other post in itself, so lets set that aside for now). on top of that, the broken hearts id seen were always so...broken. but then they found away to put themselves together again, whether that be with the help of some girl friends or a new love interest, or by the sheer will of a strong independent woman.  as a girl who spent a lot of time diving into romance books and finding new rom coms, i thought i had a pretty good grasp on what heartbreak was, and what it might feel like.

then something weird happened. i grew up. overnight, it seemed like the people around me were moving past the anticlimactic, teenage relationships i was used to. my friends were suddenly staying over at their significant other's for nights on end, i got used to boyfriend sleeping in my apartment, and i started hearing that pesky l-word in very real terms. but as relationships become more serious it only makes sense that the break ups become increasingly difficult. and so, over the past year or so, i would say I've experienced heartbreak, my own and of people close to me, differently than ever before.  and its safe to say my perception of heartbreak has changed.

heartbreak is so much more than a couple of days on the couch with ben&jerry's. it's the girl whose heart skips a beat when she accidentally scrolls past a picture of her ex. its the boy who throws all his energy into healing the broken hearts of his friends because his still hasn't recovered. its the girl who accidentally finds herself in a situation that reminds her of him, and the memory is so painful she spends the night becoming closely acquainted with a bottle of fireball. its the girls who go on aimless, long drives attempting to get lost just to avoid reality, the ones who write double date bucket lists with both of their exes in mind. its the boy who shuts out anyone he truly cares about because he doesn't want to give them the power to hurt him like she did. the friends who point out everywhere they messed up, determined not to repeat their mistakes. the girl who is forced to break up with her boyfriend during a project session, and ends up spilling everything to the strangers in her project group. the girl who can't step foot in the same mall she's gone to all her life. the girl who goes out of her way to avoid driving past his house, and becomes convinced that every car that drives by is his mom/dad/cousin/uncle.

its the person who thinks they're okay, until suddenly they're not.