before i knew how much i had to lose

i dont believe in love at first sight. in my eyes, love is so much more than that on the surface, instant connection bullshit that people talk about when they talk about falling in love. i think thats superficial. it might feel real in the moment, but you cant fall in love at first sight. you just cant.

i do, however, believe you can fall in love in an instant. one second you kinda like this person, and the next youre head over heels. theres that moment where you know. this is is. THIS is love. it could be in the middle of the night when youre both awake discussing the deepest disney plot holes, or the time you have a panic attack and he pulls you into his arms. it could be the first time you see him in a suit, or the first time you see her cry, or the 10,000th time you see that smile. theres no right or wrong time to fall in love. but sometimes even the realest, truest of loves can come about in seconds.

nows the part where i say something i have never said to anyone, ever.

ive been in love.

its stupid. he was my first real boyfriend. we werent together long enough, we didnt see each other often enough for me to feel comfortable telling him, or anyone else, that i felt this way. i didnt even admit it to myself until i felt how empty i was without him.  but looking back, i can pinpoint the exact moment. the exact INSTANT.

im not going to sit here and rehash every detail of our relationship, because i could go on and on about all the little things for days and as special as they are to me, theyre pretty mundane for anyone who isnt me. well, that and the fact that i still sometimes cry when i think too hard about it.

but i will say this. he was the kind of guy who planned on buying me flowers when he asked me to be his girlfriend, but i was so infatuated that i rushed to meet him and he didnt have time. the first time he kissed me was on a bench in a garden, and it was on that same bench that i became his girlfriend. the kind of guy who remembered that one time i told him i regretted not buying chocolate covered strawberries and dragged me into godiva with a grin on both of our faces to buy me some. he knew the difference between when i pulled away because i needed space and when i pulled away because i wanted to know he cared enough to pull me back. he was everything me and my depression and my anxiety needed.

because the truth is, when we were together, my mental state was not great. some of my best friends had pulled away from me for what i thought was forever. i was insecure and alone and really struggling to be able to commit to anyone. but it only took me a few dates with him to know that this was something worth exploring. and when he asked that all important question, i wanted to say yes right away. he did something for me that no one had ever done, and no one has done since. he was able to calm me down.

i stopped overthinking every little thing. i stopped doubting myself, and our relationship. he never gave me any reason to. he was a perfect gentleman up until the very end, despite the less than ideal way things went down. he made me feel comfortable and safe and cared for, and i honestly dont know when i will ever feel like that again.

now its nearly midnight, i have an early class tomorrow and my melatonin is starting to kick in. im tired and im emotional and im sick of feeling like this. so im writing this. im hugging my stuffed dumbo and attempting not to cry. because its take me so so long to admit this. its taken me too long to realize i had that thing i crave so much. that thing i used to day dream about when i would spend my middle school days listening to taylor swift. i had it, and i lost it long before i realized. but i hold onto it.

we moved too fast. we were both a little messed up. but what i felt, as stupid and naive as it feels to say, was real. i just wish i knew it before i lost it.

-m