a lighthouse

one day, you're parked on a hill near the beach with some friends, staring out across the water at the city. you're talking to the city more than anyone else, talking about how you need to be back in your element, out of the small town you've been trapped in all summer. playing your favorite band and watching as the lighthouse your sitting by scans back and forth, you're lost in the moment, dreaming of being back in the city.

then you fast forward a month. your'e back in the city, right where you dreamed to be. school's tough, your mental health is deteriorating, and you've spent days on end in your bed. you drag yourself out of bed for a nba preseason game with your friend, and the train is too crowded on the way back. its a beautiful night, you haven't spent much time in the city, and you haven't had a chance to hang out with your friend. so you decide to walk. first, its a walk to the next train stop, then that turns into walking as far home as you can, and then you decide to take a detour. you're walking along the waterfront, feeling more at home than you have in a very long time. you're desperate to hold on to how in love with the city you feel, so you stop. you sit on the edge of the harborwalk, and you look out. it's the perfect place to see the city from. there's the airport, and the bridge, and the court house. there's boats docked, and boats coming towards the shore. and then you see it. out in the distance, you can see the beam of light, the very same one you watched from the opposite side of the water. and suddenly, you wish you were there. its easy to look back at the source of that beam, and imagine that the lighthouse is wishing it was in the city, just like you were that summer night.

you see, life's been weird lately. i seem to want to yearn for things. all summer, i wanted to get back into my city life. i couldn't get away from there fast enough.  but now i'm here, so i should be happy, right? but no. despite my desperate need to be here, exactly where i am, i'm not satisfied. suddenly im missing the late night drives, and night swims, and smores around the fire. i miss movie nights and fast food trips and curling up in my queen sized bed with a good book. i miss screaming my favorite songs at the top of my lungs without worrying about a noise complaint. i miss being able to wander to the kitchen in the middle of the night in my underwear, or being able to get out of bed to pee without having too tip toe around a roommate.

i wish i had a moral to this story. i wish i could tell you how to fix this emptiness in your stomach that occurs no matter where you are. i can tell you that you should live in the moment, but i cant tell you how, and thats exactly my problem. so i guess if anyone figures out the secret to being satisfied in the moment, let a girl know.

-m