Late Night Love Angst
Welcome to my raw deep emotional vent written at 12:35 am
because I’m thinking too much and there’s a lot in my head and I feel like no
one’s listening…
I’m so tired of everyone telling me “your time will come”
because everyone around me has something beautiful. It’s so hard to even
discuss it with stupidly happy people, like my best friend. I love when people
are happy, and I love hearing about everything and all the butterflies and smiles
and cute shit, but I always end up sitting here questioning when on earth it
will happen to me. I don’t wanna be that single girl that’s merely only friends
with everyone forever. I don’t wanna be that girl that always listens with
nothing to contribute about last weekend’s wild hookup. For once I wanna be the
girl telling the story, for the role to be reversed. I don’t want the stupid
little things to matter, a read text, an opened snapchat, the silence from the
other end of the tangled web of social media and various iphone messaging. It
shouldn’t matter and I shouldn’t be slaving over these things late at night.
I’m so tired. I don’t wanna go back to your dorm, I wanna feel something. I
just wanna FEEL. I want the butterflies and the nervousness and all of that
stuff that everyone tells me, but where is it? I could reflect on this forever,
I often find myself laying here questioning the universe, screaming at the sky,
wishing for something to come to me. “Something comes when you’re not looking”
is also a lie. Nineteen years of my life I don’t expect anything and I get
nothing. It’s so frustrating to watch all your friends find people that are
interested in them, and watch them fall in love, and have their first times,
while I just sit here with the prior memories of the 3 strangers I’ve merely kissed
for a few minutes. I know it’s not a competition, but I can’t help but compare
and hope and wish and pray. Back to how the little things get me, I overthink
them all too much. He could open my snapchat and not respond and I
automatically blame myself. I hate this whole hook up culture sometimes, I’ll
do it of course, but I wanna go on a date and have my hand held, and to have
that little innocent lovely time and I really don’t think that’s too much to
ask. I just want to be wanted, to have someone look at me and be infatuated
with everything I am, because I look at people all the time like that, but do
people look at me like that? But it doesn’t happen and I sit here listening to
Something Great wishing for it. “Is it too much to ask for something great?”
will forever haunt the depths of my mind at the hours when I can’t sleep,
because it shouldn’t be too much to ask for. I wanna have that thing Ari sings
“I’m so into you I can barely breathe”. I feel like I do a lot of things right
in my life, or at least I try to. I do well in school, I have good friends, I
work hard. I love things with all my heart, as you will see through this blog,
I could write about my love for music and concerts for all of eternity. I’ve
focused myself into so many things like this in my life that make me happy, yet
there’s always been this one thing missing. I know I’m complete without it and
I’m a strong amazing independent woman who don’t need no man, but still it
would be so nice. And I know there are
so many other people like me that feel the same way, and I know I sound crazy
sometimes because I have my whole life ahead of me to fall in love, but as of
right now, I worry and I’m upset and it bugs me. I thought it would get better
in college, especially in the city, but it just hasn’t, I mean yet. I have to constantly
remind myself that I am worth something. Worth more than unsolicited dick pics and
unanswered texts/snapchats. Worth more than a right swipe and a late night “hey
let’s fuck”. I am willing and have the capacity to love and adore someone with
all my being, I’d give the whole world, I love so deeply and put so much love
out there but it feels like it isn’t returned. My favorite band sings “all the
love you gave, it will come back to you”, and I pray that that will be true
someday. I give myself and my heart and I
get nothing. I deserve more, I’m worth more, but it’s so hard to remember that
these days. Will someone realize before it’s too late? Will I be old and alone
and boys who knew me at 18 be thinking “wow I should’ve gone for it”? There are
just too many thoughts like this that haunt my head during nights like these. I’m
scared I’m just going to keep living life and working hard and focusing on my
friends, career, school, and music without this wonderful feeling ever coming
my way, what if I’m destined to be that girl that always alone? It’s so hard to
talk about it because it feels like no one listens or they just offer up these
classic one liners that I’m exhausted of hearing (aka your time will come, it’s
all worth the wait, etc.) I’m just so tired of it all. Sitting and listening
and giving advice and watching people experience these feelings, when all I
wanna do is feel them too. It’s not fair, and I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I
don’t get it. I don’t get it. I can be
very cynical about the whole thing, and of course I still have hope and my
whole life ahead of me, but until it happens, I’ll be here, wishing, waiting, praying,
with my headphones and 3 am thoughts and my own heart beating and screaming to
be in sync with another.
-c
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